I Love You More Than Myself Part Two
by AnMXD
Summary: This is the second part of my original fic "I Love You More Than Myself *Part One*" So yeah, check that out first, I suppose! Just a Remus/Tonks love story! :)
1. Chapter 1

"_I guess by now I should know enough about loss to realize that you never really stop missing someone-you just learn to live around the huge gaping hole of their absence." ― Alyson Noel, Evermore _

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_*Tonks's POV*_

I hear… screaming. Screams of… pain. A woman. She's upset. Why? Another voice appears, this one a male. His tone is soft and reassuring. But the woman keeps screaming. How I wish she would shut up, for I feel as though my head is about to explode.

I feel… movement. But I'm not the one doing the movement. I'm definitely moving, but to where, and how, I don't know… The woman won't stop screaming, and the man starts to raise his reassuring tone. Why won't the woman listen to him?

I don't dare open my eyes, although I would really like to figure out what's causing the woman so much distress. The world is cold and dark, and I don't want to bear witness to that anymore. I could just lay like this forever, if only the woman would stop screaming.

Then I hear it. My name. Someone is calling my name. But it's not the woman, or the reassuring man. It's a different voice. I become agitated. _Leave me be_! I think. _I'm happy here, in my solitude. _I hear it again, this time more urgent.

"_Tonks!" _it screams. _"Tonks! Nymphadora!"_

But the voice sounds distant, as though it's coming from down a long tunnel. It echoes around the inside of my head, and I make my first movement that I can remember. I twitch my head, as if trying to shake it off. But it won't stop. It just keeps yelling my name down this long tunnel.

Suddenly, the voice starts to become more clear, as well as the woman's shrieks. They become progressively clearer and clearer until it sounds as if the tunnel is gone, and they are right next to me. How I wish they would be quiet!

Against my better judgment, I peek my eyes open a little, and I see… lights. Just lights swimming above me. But they're moving. I'm moving. I watch them through cracked eyelids for a moment before someone notices.

"Her eyes! Look at her eyes!"

All chattering around me stops, but we keep moving. Another voice chimes in, "She's waking up. Tell her family."

My family? I'm very confused. Where am I? Who are all these people? Curiosity finally gets the best of me and I open them the full way. I realize that the lights above me are hanging from a ceiling. I peek over to my right, and I see we're passing dozens of doors that seem to lead into rooms or hallways beyond. I peek to the left and see the same thing. Finally, my delirious brain understands that I'm traveling down a hallway. I just sit like this, eyes wide open, as we go through a set of doors. I then notice the people around me, all cloaked in healing robes.

_No,_ I think. _No, no, no. I'm at St. Mungo's. But why?_

I look around, and none of the healers are looking down at me. I can't feel my body, but they all seem more preoccupied with that than my face. Their attention is on my right side, but I don't understand what they're looking at. I don't feel anything… That must be a good sign, right? If I don't feel any pain, I should be fine.

I'm wheeled into a large, metal room, and before I know it, the healers have levitated me off the gurney and onto a large metal table. This is when I start to get nervous. I start to move my head around to get a better view of the room, and in turn I feel my body start to twitch, too.

"Nymphadora," a woman's voice croons in my ear. "Stop moving, love. You're going to be okay, just please stop moving."I don't listen to her, and continue to try to understand why I've found myself where I am. Suddenly, a male healer comes over and lifts the blankets off me, and I see red. The whole white, cotton blanket is covered in big, dark splotches of red, and I start to scream. What was going on?!

I start writhing on the metal table, scared, lonely, confused, and cold. The healers suddenly go into a frenzy around me, trying to subdue me. I resist all of them, blocking out their instructions to calm down. I glance over to my left and see the same male healer walking over with a long needle. I start to thrash even more violently, and I have no way of objecting when he shoves the needle into my left arm. I scream again, but don't resume thrashing, for I suddenly feel… very sleepy again… Against my will, my eyelids feel heavy and slam closed, blocking out the metal room. I'm in my happy place again… serene, and without thought.

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I don't know how long I'm out again, but it must've been enough time for me to be moved onto a bed. I feel the stiff cotton blankets typical of hospitals on top me, and the hardness of a mattress beneath me. I fidget, my brain again trying to understand what was going on.

My eyes flutter open, and I realize I'm indeed laying in a hospital bed. The sun is up outside the windows, and it's rays are pouring into the room, giving it a beautiful golden glow. It's quite small, with just enough room for my bed, a few chairs, and a table. I look over to my right and see another bedside table laden with bottles upon bottles of unknown potions. I look to my left and see a strange machine with wires sticking out of it that snake under my blankets. The room is empty, just me and the machine. But not for long.

Suddenly, the door bursts open and a crowd of people rush in. Healers, male and female, followed by my family and… my friends? I frantically search the crowd for Remus, but my view is suddenly blocked by healers buzzing over me like flies.

"How are you feeling?" one asks.

"How's the pain?" another asks.

"Do you know where you are?" the male healer who gave me the shot asks. I shake my head, and he nods and turns to my parents. "She probably doesn't remember what happened."

I muster enough energy and logical thought to make my first sentence. "What happened? Why am I here?"

The crowd of healers dissipates and leaves the room, leaving my family and friends, me, and the head healer alone in the room. I then take this opportunity to search for Remus… but I don't see him.

"Nymphadora," the male healer starts again. "My name is Healer Garcia. How are you feeling?"

"Confused," I answer, and I look over to my family. My mother has tear streaks down her face and my brothers look as though they had seen a ghost. "What am I doing here? What happened?"

"You don't remember anything?" Healer Garcia asks, his eyes soft and calm. I take a deep breath and shake my head. He nods again, understanding.

"How is the pain?" he asks.

"I don't feel anything," I say, desperately wanting to know what happened, but he was stalling. "That's why I'm so confused. What's going on?"

He takes a moment before speaking again. I look over his shoulder at James, Sirius, Peter, Lily, Lydia, May, and Marlene, all huddled in the corner looking very distraught. The four girls have tear streaks identical to my mother's.

"Nymphadora," Healer Garcia starts. "You were attacked."

"Attacked?" I spit back at him, even more confused than before. "Attacked by who?"

"Attacked by… what," he clarifies, and I knit my eyebrows together in confusion. "Ms. Tonks, were you aware that Remus Lupin is a werewolf?"

I'm shocked by this question, and I freeze, glancing over at James and Sirius again in panic. James, looking very solemn, just nods, letting me know it was okay to answer.

"Yes," I say, almost guilty. "I knew."

I hear my mother gasp to my left, and I look over to see her bury her head into my father's shoulder and start to sob. I sigh, and look back to Healer Garcia.

"Ms. Tonks…" he starts again, this time even more quiet than before. "What were you doing out and about on the Hogwarts grounds last night?"

I stare blankly back at him, again confused by his question. "I was?"

"Yes," he answers, nodding slowly. "Your friends found you passed out about fifty feet from the Whomping Willow."

"Passed out?" I reply, searching my clouded brain for any memory that would explain this. "I don't know… I don't remember."

I glance up at James again, and he looks as if he was about to say something before Healer Garcia speaks again.

"Nymphadora, I know this is going to be hard for you to hear, but… you were attacked by Mr. Lupin last night."

It all comes back to me in a snap. The plan, the worst walk of my life, the tunnel, the transformation, the slip, and finally the slash down my arm that put me here. I become anxious and unruly again, and it takes a dose of medication to calm me down. I can't stop screaming for Remus, asking where he was, and how he was doing. It takes five minutes for me to able to answer questions again.

"Are you okay to continue, Ms. Tonks?" he asks, looking at me with a very serious expression. I sigh in defeat, tears streaming down my cheeks, and nod. I then tell them the whole story of how I planned to watch his transformation because we were to be married, and everyone in the room stays silent with rapt attention until the end. Of course, I leave the part out about the boys being animagi for obvious reasons, but other than that, the cat was definitely out of the bag. My mother sobs even harder as I finish my story, and I get a lot of sad looks. I sigh, wiping my tears as I say one final thing.

"Where is he?" I sob. "Where is Remus?"

"He's back at Hogwarts, but he's okay," Healer Garcia says. "Thank you for sharing that with us."

I nod, regretting that I did.

"Your friends asked for some time alone with you," he continues. "Is that okay?"

"Of course," I say, and he nods one final time before leaving the room. Both my mother and father kiss my forehead before following Healer Garcia out of the room, and both my brothers squeeze my hand and give me reassuring looks. The room is now void of all adults, and my friends come out of their corner to take seats around my bed.

"How are you feeling, Tonksie?" James asks, taking a seat next to Lily.

"I'm okay," I say, my crying finally over. I look down my right side for the first time and see it's heavily bandaged. "I'm more worried about him. Have you seen him?"

"Yes, chickadee," Sirius says, and I notice I haven't seen him this distraught since the death of Scarlet. "We saw him right before we came to visit."

I feel the tension in the air. "And… how is he? Does he know? Does he know it was my fault?"

"He knows," James confirms. "He… wasn't very happy about it."

"I would imagine," I say, looking down in shame. "When will he be well enough to come see me? I need to talk to him."

No one answers this question, they all just kind of look into their laps in silence, as if they knew something I didn't.

"What's wrong?" I ask, and James sighs very heavily before looking up again and meeting my eyes.

"He's fine, Tonks," he says, looking a bit angry. "He just… wouldn't come with us. He was released from the Hospital Wing a few hours ago."

"What?!" I ask, incredulous. "You're joking! He wouldn't come?"

"I called him a coward," Sirius mutters, wringing his hands. "I shouldn't' have, but I did."

"I don't blame you, Padfoot," Peter says. "He kind of is."

"So he refuses to see me?" I say in disbelief, and everyone just kind of nods in unison. I scoff, anger boiling inside me.

"I'm really sorry, Tonks," Lily says, wiping away another tear. "Maybe he'll come around after graduation."

"Graduation?" I ask, confused for a moment before I realize. "That's today! I'll see him then."

"Tonks," James continues to be the bearer of bad news. "Healer Garcia said you can't leave the hospital yet."

"But I'll have to leave for graduation," I say pointedly, and James just shakes his head. Angry tears fill my eyes. Life isn't fair. This wasn't supposed to happen. I was supposed to be graduating today, and getting married in a few months. None of that was happening now.

"We're really, really sorry, Tonks," Lydia says. I wipe away another tear before responding.

"It's alright. It's not your fault…"

No one says anything for a moment, we all just sit in the heavy silence.

"Thank you all… for coming to visit me. It really means a lot."

There is a chorus of "you're welcome"s before Healer Garcia comes and tells them that their visiting time was over. They each bid me farewell in their own way before they start to file out of the room. It is then, in my total solitude, that I start to cry the hardest.

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Hello newcomers and oldcomers! Lol, but some of you are probably confused. This is the first chapter of the second part of my fic "I Love You More Than Myself." So, if you haven't read that yet, and you liked this, I would go check it out! (:

To all the old readers, how do you like this? I just had to split it up, it was getting too long. SO yeah. I hope you enjoyed it! Make sure to review, and favorite, and follow, and whatever this fic, because it's different now! Hehe sorry! :D

Well, that's all for now. I should be updating kind of soonish… not sure. But yeah! Please leave a review, that would be awesome! Thanks! (:

~AnM XD

Ps. I got some horrible news the other day. My dad, who's 61, is starting to loose his memory. It's not Alzheimer's, thank God, but it is impacting him. It's caused by the part of his brain called the frontal lobe shrinking. He's going to be put on medication, and he's also taking disability from work. Have any of you ever dealt with anything like this before? Maybe a loved one had it? If you have, or you know anything about this condition, PLEASE leave me a comment or PM me with any details or tips you might have. I just need some comfort. My dad is SO important to me, and I'm really scared I'm going to loose him. So please, if you know ANYTHING or just want to reach out a helping hand, please contact me. It would mean the world. Thanks. (:

Pss. I know this is the same as chapter 91 on the old fic, but I had to ask people here, too. Sorry!


	2. Chapter 2

"_Walking with a friend in the dark is better than walking alone in the light."-Helen Keller _

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_*James's POV* *The previous night*_

"You are _so_ beautiful," I murmur against her lips as the final song of the night comes to a close. She giggles, kissing me gently as the lights around the Hall come up.

"James, you're too good to me," he coos, running her fingers through my hair, making it even messier than it was. "The best anyone has ever been."

"Really?" I chuckle, grabbing her hand and leading her off the dance floor. I spot Sirius and Marlene across the Hall at our table, waiting for us.

"Really," she says, wrapping her arm the whole way around mine. I don't know how to respond to this, so I'm grateful when we run into Peter and Diana. They look incredibly happy together, both wearing smiles from ear to ear.

"Well I suppose that's it, isn't it?" Sirius muses as we approach. "It's over."

"We still have tomorrow," Marlene points out, her hands resting on Sirius's chest.

"Come on," I say, leading the group out of the crowded hall. "Tonks is waiting for us. You know how she gets on these nights."

I whisper the last part to just Peter and Sirius. They nod in understanding.

After completing the trek from the Great Hall to the common room, which was a very slow process behind hundreds of students, and biding goodnight to Diana and Marlene, we collapse in our chairs in front of the fire, waiting for Tonks to come down from her dormitory.

"She'll be down as soon as she sees people coming back," I say, confident in my answer. "Just give her a few minutes."

But a few minutes go by, and there's no sign of Tonks.

"Lils, why don't you go check on her?" I ask, nudging her a little. "Just to make sure she's okay?"

"Sure," Lily says, standing up and straightening her gown before picking it up and making her way to the girl's dormitories. We sit in a nervous silence while she's gone, the air that something wasn't right all around us. I fidget with my dress robes, trying to pass the time, but it seems like Lily is gone forever.

"Guys…" she says, making us all jump. "She's not up there…"

I whip around to meet Sirius's eyes, and dread settles in the pit of our stomachs. I turn slowly back to Lily, my heart racing and my eyes wide in absolute fear.

"You're sure?"

"Of course I'm sure," she says uneasily. "What does this mean? What's going on?"

"Lily," I say, standing and placing my hands on her shoulders, staring her dead in the eye. "I need you to do something very important for me."

She nods, her eyes big and full of apprehension.

"I need you to get Professor Dumbledore. Tell him to go to the Whomping Willow. Tell him I sent you, and that Remus and Tonks might be in trouble. If you can get McGonagall too, that would be great."

"James, I'm scared. What's going on?" she breathes as I release her, turning back to Sirius.

"I don't know yet," I admit, shrugging off my tux jacket and throwing it across the couch. "I'm going to find out."

"You're not going to wait for Dumbledore?" Lydia says, incredulous.

"There's no time," Sirius explains, throwing his jacket next to mine and rolling up his sleeves. "We've got to go. Now."

"Please be safe," Lily begs, grabbing my hand as I'm about to leave. "I don't know what's going on, but… just… don't be foolish."

"I won't," I promise her, kissing her forehead. Seconds later, Sirius and I are already sprinting down the corridor, heading for the front doors. Peter chose to stay back with the girls since his animagus wouldn't be of much help in this situation. I almost considered him a coward, but I shrugged it off because there were much more important things to be worrying about.

As soon as we're clear of the lights of the castle, we transform, still barreling toward the Willow at break-neck speed. The adrenaline coursing through my veins didn't allow me to become tired. As we approach the Willow, I transform back, surveying the area. Sirius comes up behind me, still in his dog-form.

"It's too dark to see anything," I say, still squinting. "Pads, you have the nose. Do you smell anything?"

I glance back to my left and see my best friend standing where the dog was only a moment ago. He looks confused.

"It's hard to get anything out here," he sighs. "There's too many scents at once."

"Try harder," I urge, watching morph back to the enormous, shaggy, black dog. I watch him sniff around for a minute before I hear him whimper. He transforms only to shout out one word before he goes back and canters off down the hill.

"_Blood!_"

I immediately transform, following behind him. He barks and growls as he sniffs around in the grass, trying to find the source of the smell. Suddenly, he howls, and transforms back.

"I don't get it!" he exclaims, frustrated.

"What's the matter?" I ask, back to myself as quick as a snap of the fingers.

"The trail ends here," he explains, pointing to the patch of grass in front of him. "There should be something there."

I don't respond, as confused as he was. I stare hard in front of us, trying to discern why we couldn't find anything. Then I see it. The grass there was flattened, as if something were laying on it. Something the size of a person. I lunge at it, and my hands land on something very solid.

"It's her!" I exclaim, and Sirius is suddenly next to me, helping me turn her right side up. "She's under the Invisibility Cloak!"

We pull our darling Tonks out the cloak and into the world the eye could see. And what waits for us under that cloak was something I wish I could un-see.

Blood. Just blood everywhere. It was all down her clothes, in her hair, on her face, wet in the grass beneath her. Her right sleeve is torn up, and that seems to be the source of the bleeding. I try very hard to keep calm, but the tears come fast, running down my cheeks as I watch one of my best friends die.

"Was she bit?" Sirius asks, examining her arm.

"I dunno," I choke out. "I can't tell."

I pick her head up and hold it close to my chest, sobbing.

"We were too late," I exclaim. "She's dead!"

"James, calm down!" Sirius says. "She's not dead!"

"How do you know?" I respond, my chest aching terribly. I lower her into my lap, staring down at her pale, blood-stained face. Sirius suddenly reaches across me and places two fingers under her jaw to check her pulse.

"It's there, mate," he says, sighing in relief. "Barely, but it's there."

I feel for myself, but don't relax. This girl was going to die within moments if she didn't get help. Suddenly, we hear shouting coming from the castle, light from the front doors spilling across the grounds.

"We're over here!" Sirius shouts, standing up and waving his hands. He reaches in his pocket and retrieves his wand, sending up red sparks. "Over here! Please help!"

Before we even have time to catch our breaths, Dumbledore, McGonagall, and Hagrid have surrounded us, lighting the gruesome scene with their wands. McGonagall gasps and looks away, Hagrid makes a strange noise in the back of his throat, and Dumbledore swiftly kneels down to examine her.

"She's alive," he mutters, almost in disbelief. "We need to get her to the hospital."

McGonagall reacts like this was an order and sends a patronus to St. Mungo's, urging them to be ready when she arrived.

"Boys," Dumbledore says calmly. "You did beautifully. But we can take it from here."

I begrudgingly let him slide Tonks off my lap and onto a gurney he conjured up from thin air. After strapping her securely in place, he nods to Hagrid and McGonagall before apparating without another word. The four of us stand motionless in shock for a few moments before McGonagall speaks.

"Do you boys have any idea of what happened?"

We glance over at each guiltily before nodding.

"Well then," she says in a clipped tone. "Follow me to my office."

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Hours later, after telling McGonagall the whole story, we find ourselves back in the boy's dormitory, showered and anxious for news. It was daybreak, and none of us had slept a wink. Lily, Lydia and May joined us around midnight, asking questions, and we decided it was time from them to be in on it, too. They reacted surprisingly well to Remus's "furry little problem," and said it couldn't change how they felt about him. That gave me hope for him in the future.

Lily lays draped across my lap, her ginger hair spilling across my bed. I stroke it, trying to comfort her, for she was very distraught after completing the task I gave her. Lydia and May sit on Remus's empty bed, trying to occupy their time by twiddling their thumbs and twirling their hair. Sirius lays flat on his back in his bed, staring at the canopy above him. I know he was trying to sleep, but sleep was impossible this night. Peter remains on his bed, too, running his wand through his fingers and pretending not to be nervous.

As I'm about to explode in frustration, I hear a tapping at the window. We all jump, heads swiveling to the window in between Sirius's and Peter's beds. Lily sits up, allowing me to cross the room and retrieve the letter. It was from Dumbledore, and very brief.

_Dear Marauders and friends,_

_He's awake in the Hospital Wing. He does not know of what happened last night. I thought it would be best if you told him._

_Miss Tonks is being taken care of as we speak. I do not know of her condition yet._

_-Professor Dumbledore_

I read it aloud to the room.

"Well, we have to go then, don't we?" Sirius says. He receives no response. "Although, I suppose it would be best if it was… just the three of us."

He nods to me and Peter.

"Just incase it gets ugly."

The girls nod in understanding. After biding them goodbye and being told "_good luck!_" by each of them, the three remaining Marauders leave their dormitory and head to the Hospital Wing. Each step seems like we're closer and closer to our doom, for we know Remus will not take the news very well.

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_*Remus's POV*_

"If you've got something to say, just say it!" I exclaim after several tense minutes with the boys. Madam Pomfrey had let them in to see me under Dumbledore's orders, and they all looked very uncomfortable, fidgeting in their seats and avoiding eye contact. Peter had mumbled something about bad news, and that led me to snap. After spending the night as a wolf, the last thing I wanted to deal with was people who beat around the bush.

"Remus, it's not that easy to say!" James replies with just as much fire.

"What's going on? Something is wrong, and I know it. Where's Tonks?"

This causes them all to shift in their seats uncomfortably, looking down into their laps.

"What the _bloody hell_ is going on?!" I exclaim, receiving a dirty look from Madam Pomfrey, but I was too worked up to care.

"Okay, listen Remus," Sirius says, giving me a very solemn stare. "This won't be easy to hear. You're just going to have listen."

"I have ears… I can do that."

"Something… happened last night," he continues. "Tonks is at St. Mungo's. She got injured."

"Injured?" I reply, quirking an eyebrow. "How could she have gotten injured? All she did was stay in her dorm all night."

The boys glance at each other nervously.

"Moony," James interjects. "Do you not remember last night at all?"

"No," I reply. "I never do. What aren't you telling me?"

"You don't remember our plan?" James continues. "Tonks was going to use my cloak to… yanno… watch."

It suddenly all comes back to me. Tonks was with me last night. They're telling me she's injured. No. No, no, no, no. This isn't happening. My worst nightmare. It's not coming true.

"Oh my God," I breathe, my stomach in knots, a hole forming in my chest. "I… did I? No… I couldn't have… I did… Oh my God…"

"Remus, it wasn't your-"

"Do _not_ tell me it wasn't my fault," I say, short and through gritted teeth. "Because it was."

"Don't be so hard on your-" Peter starts.

"I don't want to hear it Peter," I cut him off. "Is she alive? Is she okay? What did I do to her? What happened?"

"We don't know," James admits. "Dumbledore took her immediately to St. Mungo's, but she'd lost a lot of blood from a wound on her right arm."

An icy silence falls over us, a question nagging my mind. I take a moment to breathe deeply and slow the racing of my heart.

"Did I… bite… her?"

"We don't know, mate," James repeats. "I'm very sorry."

I don't respond, swallowing very hard and blinking the tears from my eyes.

"I knew it wasn't a good idea," I mutter.

"How could you have kno-"

"GOD DAMMIT!" I exclaim, punching the pillow I had resting on my lap. "I let her do that! I let her put herself in danger! How could I have been so stupid?! I'm a horrible person! I killed her! I killed the best thing that's ever happened to me!"

I start to sob, bringing the pillow to my face and burying myself in it, wishing it would swallow me up. I feel a comforting hand on my back, and James suddenly speaks.

"She could still be alive mate," he says, very reassuring. "You never know. She's a strong girl. She could pull through."

Suddenly, there's a tapping at the window. James responds by opening it and taking the letter from the owl waiting anxiously there. He scans it quickly before his face breaks into an enormous smile.

"She's alive," he breathes in relief. "She made it!"

Everyone relaxes, beaming, except for me. I still couldn't believe myself.

"Dumbledore says we can come and visit her!" he continues. "He wants us there at once."

There's a very loud scraping of chairs as the three boys stand and gather themselves to leave. But just before they do, they notice that they're one short.

"Remus, he said you can come, too," James says, standing at the end of my bed, looking at me with excited eyes.

"I can't," I explain, not meeting his eyes as his face falls. "I can't see what I did to her. She won't want to see me. She hates me."

"Remus that's not true," Sirius chimes in. "She loves-"

"Not anymore," I interrupt. "Not after what happened last night. What would she want to do with me?"

No one responds.

"We'll be back later, Moony," James says, voice full of disappointment.

"Have fun," I say solemnly, gazing out the window.

"We will," Sirius says over his shoulder. "Especially without you. You coward."

That simple word touches a nerve, and I suddenly become very angry again, for I was no coward. I want to get up out of this bed and show Sirius this, but suddenly the thought occurs to me: what if I really was a coward? If I was, then I would be a coward _and_ the scum of the earth. I didn't deserve to live after what I'd done. I deserved to die alone at the hands of thousands of hungry werewolves.

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Hey guys! I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo sorry about the delay! L

I've just been busy I guess! Because guess who just came back from London? Me! Yes, it was THE MOST AMAZING experience of my entire life, and I loved every minute! I even went to Leavesden studios! :D (Coincidentally, me and mannequin of Tonks's costume had the same boots!)

That's the only update I have for now, but if you want to hear more about my trip, just leave it in the reviews and I'll add on the next chapter! J

Alright that's it guys, I hope you liked it! PLEASE REVIEW!

~AnM XD

Ps. Have any of you seen "Tonight You're Mine" (or "You Instead" which is the UK version) starring the lovely Natalia Tena? I watched it last night, and although it was VERY cliché, it was pretty good! I only watched it for her though! LOL J What did you guys think of it? Like it? Dislike it? Not seen it? Want to see it? (It's on Netflix!)


	3. Chapter 3

"_Tough times never last, but tough people do." - Robert H Schuller_

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_*Tonks's POV*_

The morning I was released from St. Mungo's was the beginning of my new life. It was so odd to be escorted through the doors of the ward, carrying a bag full of the few possessions I owned. In my right hand, I carried my diploma, which James and Sirius had brought to me the day after graduation. With my left, I carried the bag, which was too heavy to be carried by my injured arm yet. Aaron had repeatedly suggested that he carry it for me, but I ignored him, for it was typical of my stubborn ways.

I had been in the hospital for three weeks. It turns out, although werewolves' claws don't carry the poison that causes lycanthropy, they do carry some other kind of poison that leaves irreversible scars. So, long story short, I was going to bear the arm-length slash marks the rest of my life. The healers kept me for so long because they wanted to make sure I wouldn't react to the poison in any way. It turns out I didn't, but they couldn't have been too careful with such an odd case.

Sasha holds open the car door for me, letting me settle myself before slamming it closed behind me. The car was stifling with heat from the high, mid-July sun. I immediately roll down the window as my brothers take the front seats, Sasha on the driver's side.

"Alright, Dora?" he asks, checking on me in the rearview mirror. I nod, making eye contact with him as the engine starts with a low rumble. We drive in awkward silence for ten minutes, my brothers both outwardly upset with me for 'being so foolish to associate with a werewolf.' Sasha keeps glancing down at his watch, for he was late to lunch with his fiancé, Alice.

"How's your arm today?" he asks, trying to diffuse the silent tension.

"Better," I say, gazing out the window at the city of London flying by.

"Or are you just saying that?" Aaron interjects rudely. Aaron was the one who took the news the worst, blaming himself for not taking better care of me. Sasha glances over at him as if saying 'really?'

"It's fine," I mutter, although maybe I was _just saying that_. For the past few days, my whole family has been arguing whether or not I was going to be well enough to take part in further testing this fall to begin my Auror training. My father and I argued that I would be fine by September, but my mother and brothers argued that I should take a year off to get well. There was no way I was going to put my life on hold for a year.

No one responds. We drive the rest of the way home in silence.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The rest of the summer was mostly spent in my room, where I would lay in my bed for hours on end, doing absolutely nothing. This served two purposes. One, I was 'resting up' so my mother would allow me to take the Character and Aptitude Tests required to become an Auror, and two, I did it just for the simple fact that I couldn't bring myself to get out of bed and participate in life. The only time I left the house was to go grocery shopping, or when my family dragged me out to do something 'fun', like eating out at a restaurant. James and Sirius visited me once or twice, bringing me news of the outside world, although we never touched the subject of Remus. I enjoyed their short little visits, proof that they still cared.

One hot afternoon in early August, just days after I was cleared to go through life without a huge wad of gauze down my arm, I received my first bit of mail since the incident. Being foolish, my heart leapt and thought it _had_ to be Remus. I furiously tore open the letter, only to be disappointed. It was from James.

_Tonksie,_

_Sirius and I would love to have you out to lunch tomorrow. We know you're free because you don't do anything anymore, so you have no reason to say no. We know you're feeling lonely and scared, and we just thought reconnecting with the outside world is just what you need. Meet us at The Olde Cheshire Cheese pub on Fleet Street in London tomorrow at one o'clock. We'll be waiting._

_James_

I sigh, dreading leaving the comfort and security of my home and family for the big city. I throw the letter on my desk and bury my head even deeper into my pillow.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The next day, at precisely one o'clock, I let myself in the front door of the pub, scanning the dimly-lit room for my friends. I notice them in the opposite corner, already sipping what I assumed to be alcoholic drinks. The room is musky and seems have a haze all about it. I feel like I need to cover my mouth and nose, but decide against it in case it would offend anyone. As I approach the table, Sirius notices me.

"Chickadee!" he exclaims, standing and wrapping me in a strong embrace. I suddenly feel safe again, as if I wasn't living a nightmare, and that I wasn't truly alone. I feel my throat close up and tears form in my eyes, but I push them away, swallowing hard.

"How're you?" I ask, pulling away and looking up into his kind, dark, twinkling eyes.

"Handsome as ever," he jokes as I turn to James. I receive the same, comforting hug from him before we take our seats, both boys sitting across from me.

"I suppose the real question is," James says, pulling his drink across the table to his new seat. "How are you?"

I take a moment to consider my answer, tracing the patterns in the wood table with my finger. Suddenly, the waitress comes over and asks if I want anything to drink. I order a glass of water, and James and Sirius snicker.

"Better," I finally answer, ignoring them. "It still twinges a bit sometimes, but I think I'll be ready when it comes time for the tests next month."

This makes both boys cringe and avert their eyes, nonchalantly sipping their drinks.

"What?" I say, noticing their behavior.

"What?" Sirius answers, nervously looking back at me.

"Don't answer a question with a question," I say, thanking the waitress when she brings my water. "You both became uncomfortable when I mentioned the tests. Why?"

James and Sirius cast dark looks at each other, as if deciding how they were going to answer me using telepathy. James suddenly sighs and turns back to me.

"We're not going straight into Auror training, Tonks."

"What?" I say, incredulous, my stomach filling with dread. "Why?!"

"We've committed to… _other_… endeavors," Sirius explains, obviously choosing his words carefully.

"_Other endeavors_?" I repeat, still not believing what I was hearing. "And what are these _other endeavors_?"

"Sadly, we cannot disclose that information to you," James says, suddenly becoming very interested in his mug. "You'll find out about it soon enough."

I don't respond, staring at both of them in shock. The waitress then interrupts again to take our lunch orders. After she stalks away, Sirius speaks.

"Tonks, we would tell you if we could," he explains. "Unfortunately, we're sworn to secrecy."

"By who?" I demand.

"This wasn't the point of bringing you out to lunch," James mutters in a rush.

"You're right, Prongs," Sirius says. "We have much more important things to discuss."

"Like?" I reply, annoyed with them.

"I'm getting married," James spits out. "To Lily, of course."

This sudden news causes me to momentarily forget that I was mad at them.

"What?!" I exclaim, excitement rising in me. "Really? When did this happen?!"

"Last week," he explains. "I proposed to her while we were walking along the River Thames at sunset. I couldn't wait any longer with… what's going on."

I nod, understanding his position and suddenly realizing I was… jealous. That should've been me and Remus announcing our engagement. We should be the ones getting married. Yet…

"The wedding is in September," he says, sighing deeply. "It's really a last-minute thing."

"I would say so," I say drearily, itching at my scar.

"But that isn't the only thing we need to discuss," James continues, looking serious.

"What else is there?" I reply, obviously knowing the answer, yet not willing to say it.

"Come on, chickadee," Sirius says. "It's what's been on your mind since you walked in."

I stay silent for a moment, feeling my heart drop into my stomach.

"Remus."

"Yes," James says sullenly.

"Have you guys… talked to him?" I ask, almost hesitant to speak.

"Yes," James continues. "A few times actually. He came over to the house once or twice."

"Really?" I reply, trying to hide my utter disappointment with my brash outer layer. "Wow, you must all be really good friends."

"Tonks, don't act that way," Sirius scoffs, reprimanding me like a father would his child. "You don't understand what kind of emotional torture he's going through."

"Right," I say, becoming angrier. "Because I have none of that myself."

"Okay, both of you, stop it," James says, bringing his hand in between us. "Tonks, we get what you're going through, but we have to listen to both sides, and we expect you to, too."

"And what's his sob story?" I say sarcastically. "What's his excuse for leaving me?"

"He thinks you hate him, Tonks," James says very seriously. "He doesn't think he deserves to see you anymore… after what he's done."

"What?" I ask quietly, my anger faltering. "I don't… I don't understand."

"He's too ashamed to see you," Sirius says, his anger gone as well. "He thinks you're too good for him, and that you deserve a better life than what he gave you."

"But that's not true," I say, adamant. "I loved every second of the life he gave me."

"We tried to tell him that," James says. "We've been arguing about this since graduation, but he won't budge. You can't imagine the kind of self-inflicted torture he's enduring."

"He doesn't leave the house for anything but coming over to James's," Sirius continues. "He barely eats. He stopped reading. He writes a lot though, all his feelings. He told us about it, how it helps him cope. He just wants out of the life he's living. I can't blame him. I don't know what I would do if I hurt Marlene."

"But I'm okay!" I argue. "You have to tell him that!"

"We have," James sighs. "If you ask my opinion, he's being a big coward."

I take a deep breath and bury my face in my hands as the waitress comes over with our food. I look down at the fish and chips I ordered before pushing it away.

"I can't believe that he thinks that," I mutter, watching as James and Sirius, who usually stop at nothing to eat, leave their food untouched.

"Me either," James agrees. "I think it's just the way it's going to be for a while. Give him time, Tonks. He'll come around."

"What makes you say that?"

"I know him," James says. "Maybe not better than you, but I do. I lived with him for seven years, through the best and through the worst. He just needs time to come to grips with what happened. When he does, I'm sure you'll be the first person he sees."

"I hope you're right," I say, half-heartedly picking at my fish. "I miss him."

"We miss him, too," Sirius says, finally digging into his lunch. "He's not the same."

"None of us are," I point out, chuckling in disbelief. Oh, what a different life I had planned for myself.

Things were good for that short moment in time. Sitting and eating with James and Sirius almost made me forget about the giant aching hole in my chest that Remus left. It almost felt like old times, laughing and joking around. But as we decided it was time to leave, and I had to go off on my own again, reality crashed in all around me, and I found myself clinging to the only source of comfort I had: a small, circular pendant around my neck.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hi guys! That was a pretty fast update for me! LOL J

I don't have much to say except that I didn't miss school! Just started again this Thursday, and I already had homework, like wtf. Anyways, I hope you all are well!

Please leave a review! :D

~AnM XD


	4. Chapter 4

"_The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." ― Bob Marley_

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

_*Tonks's POV*_

Preparations for James and Lily's last-minute wedding were in full swing the day I first walked into the Ministry of Magic. It was something I had heard about since I was very small, and it lived up to the grand expectations that had been set for me by my father and brothers. As I walked down the atrium, I couldn't stop looking around, my head on a swivel, taking in everything around me. This caused me to trip, and even trod on a few people's feet.

The tile on every available surface was so shiny I could see myself in it. The fountain at the end of the hall was spectacular, large and even a little intimidating. Hundreds of little paper airplanes whizzed through the air above the crowd, off to whoever's office they were destined for. And speaking of the crowd, I couldn't have even imagined this many people in one place. Wizards, witches, and maybe a few that weren't so human, walked down the hall with purpose, head down, and very business-like, which was a funny contrast to me, clad in my combat boots, purple hair, and black robes. I felt very out of place, and soon, the hole in my chest reappeared and I suddenly felt very unsafe again. I felt like breaking down and crying right on the floor of the Ministry, but I knew that wouldn't make a very good first impression. My hand flew up to the chain around my neck, my thumb and forefinger closing around the moon pendant. This simple act gave me the strength to keep walking towards the lifts, as if Remus had just kissed me and said that everything was going to be alright.

My destination was Level 2, where I, and dozens of other anxious applicants, would meet the person in charge of our first phase of Auror Training. I kept my fingers wrapped around the pendant as I boarded the next available lift, squeezing myself in between two serious-looking business wizards. I squeaked a quick apology and began to settle myself down as the lift moved. I was obviously unaware of the lift's movement capabilities. I was used to lifts that went up and down, but this one seemed to throw those traditional rules out the window. Suddenly, the lift lurched to the right, and I stumbled into one of the wizards.

"Sorry!" I squeaked again, my hair turning bright red in embarrassment. At the next stop, I quickly excused myself off the elevator, even though I was completely lost as to what floor I was on. I hurried off to the side where I could calm myself down and get my bearings. I shut my eyes very tight and steadied my breathing, causing my hair to go back to it's normal purple. I opened my eyes and looked around for any indication as to what floor I was on.

_Level 7-Department of Magical Games and Sports_, a nearby sign read.

"Level 7?" I read under my breath to myself. "That can't be right."

"Nymphadora?" I hear someone call. Being as confused as I am, I jump in shock, turning to see a man walking toward me with a smile on his face. "Is that you?"

"Depends," I answer, straightening my robes. "Who are you?"

"You don't remember me?" the man says, finally coming level with me. The corridor is completely deserted at this point, the hustle and bustle of the Atrium seemingly worlds away.

"Sorry," I say, scoffing. "I can't say I do."

"What if I ordered you around on a broomstick? Would that maybe jog your memory?" he asks, a sly smile forming.

"Andrew?" I suddenly realize, letting out a small chuckle. "The kid from my Quidditch team in first year?"

"The one who saved your ass from killing yourself," he chuckles. "That'd be me."

"Oh," I say, a little stunned. "Wow. How've you been? You look great."

"I can say the same," he replies, his eyes wandering a little too much for my liking. "I've been well. How about you? I don't remember seeing you at graduation."

"No…" I mutter a little awkwardly. "Some unplanned things happened."

"Oh…" he trails off, sensing it was a little awkward. "Well, what are you here for?"

"My first day of Auror training," I respond proudly. "Well, I have a few more tests to take, but still. And you?"

"Receiving some kind of Quidditch award or something," he replies, shrugging it off like it was nothing. "I don't really know. I think your friend James should of got it, but he didn't want it."

"I forgot you were on the team," I say, remembering him to be James's right-hand man on the field. "I'm just surprised I didn't see you more often in six years."

"Yeah, that would've been nice, wouldn't it?" he flirts, and I catch his eye. "But of course, you're still with that Remus character, aren't you?"

I don't reply immediately, but swallow hard and look away, letting him know that he touched another nerve.

"I'm sorry. Did I say something-"

"No," I interject, looking back at him. "You're fine."

He relaxes.

"We just… broke up… a few months ago," I explain, choosing my words wisely.

"I must admit, I'm surprised."

"How so?" I joke.

"Well, I mean," he begins. "You two were kind of the "it" couple, weren't you? The ones everyone wished they were? Everyone thought you two were going to be together forever? Get my drift?"

"Yeah, I get your drift," I reply, still feeling awkward. "I guess we were. But not anymore."

"I'm sorry to hear that," he says, shuffling his feet. "Again, I'm sorry if I said anything that might've-"

"Don't worry about it," I say again, breaking a smile. "Look, I've gotta get to Level 2 soon or I'm going to be late."

"Alright," he says, sighing. "But, um…"

He reaches in his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper and a pen, with which he scribbles something then hands it to me.

"Call me sometime."

I look down and see a phone number written on the scrap, the ink still drying. I look up at him curiously, cocking an eyebrow. I'd never "picked up" anyone before. I hadn't had to. But, I guess I just did.

"I will," I reply cautiously, calling another lift.

"It was good seeing you again, Nymphadora," he says with a charming smile as I board the lift.

"Please," I say, blushing against my better judgment. "Call me Tonks."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

I was late on my first day. The conversation with Andrew had held me up, and I ended up flying into the room five minutes after orientation had started.

"I'm so sorry," I blurt out in a nervous rush. "I got lost."

I blink and look around at the room full of dozens of people my age, staring blankly up at me, some suppressing chuckles.

"And who are you?" I hear someone at the front of the room say. I turn and lay eyes on my mentor for the first time.

Intimidating was an understatement. He could've taken out an army with one spell, for that was how tough and merciless he looked. He stood at the front of the classroom leaning on a tall, wooden staff, glaring at me with mismatching eyeballs. One was very small and dark, while the other was a vivid, electric blue that moved around rapidly and independently from the other. His face was rough and scarred, even worse than Remus's in my opinion. His nose looked like it had a good chunk of it taken out, and he seemed to be standing unevenly. I caught myself staring.

"Unless you're here for the show," he growls. "I suggest you tell me your name and take a seat."

"My name is Nymphadora Tonks, sir," I say, confidence from nowhere appearing out of thin air. I hold my head high and straighten up. He eyes me with some confusion, determining what to make of me.

"Tonks, is it?" he repeats, looking down at a list in his free hand. "There's been a lot of controversy around here about you lately."

I blush a deep, deep scarlet as some of the other students start whispering amongst themselves. I take a deep breath and try to regain my confidence.

"Has there?" I reply evenly. "I can guess what about."

"I'm sure you can," he growls back. "Take your seat, Miss Tonks."

I huff, then continue to the back of the room, ignoring the prying eyes of my peers and the wandering eye of my teacher. I take a seat in the very back corner, next to someone I recognized from Hufflepuff house, looking very nervous and not at all preoccupied with me, which I was grateful for. So much for a good first impression.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Miss Tonks," Alastor Moody growls after he dismisses the first session. "I would like a word with you up here, please."

I feel my heart drop into the pit of my stomach as I fight through the sea of students pushing for the door. As the last one leaves, he closes the door and turns around to face me. I feel very uncomfortable.

"Yes, sir?"

"I just wanted to make it clear that you will never be late for my class again."

"It will never happen again, sir," I say, the brash wall I had recently built showing itself.

"Good," he says, short and to the point. "And I also wanted to make it clear that no Auror would ever do something as stupid as the stunt you pulled last summer."

I didn't think my stomach could sink any lower, but oh, it did. I must've made a face because he continued.

"You didn't think I would know?" he says, chuckling a harsh, low, raspy chuckle. "I have connections on the inside, sweetheart. I know all the details."

"It won't happen again, sir," I mutter, my throat closing up. "I will _never_ be so foolish again."

"Very well," he says, turning and opening the door for me to leave. "I'll see you eight o'clock _sharp_ tomorrow morning."

I leave, hearing the door slam closed behind me as I do. Once I've found the safety of a London side-street, I let the tears that I had been holding back all day come. And come violently, they do.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

When anyone asked about my first day of training, I lied and told them that it went exceedingly well. Be it my parents, my brothers, or James and Sirius, I lied to every single one of them. When I returned home that night, I had to sit down with my parents and tell them about my day.

"It was great, I already told you that!" I lied, eyeing them before glancing over at Sasha, Aaron, and Alice. They made me nervous.

"I know," my mother coaxed. "But I want to hear all about it! I'm so excited for you, Nymphadora!"

I felt horrible lying to her, but what choice did I have?

In the next few weeks, my life developed a banal pattern. Waking up at six in the morning, going to the Ministry for eight hours, then coming home and completing some ridiculous task that Alastor had given us for the night, which usually took the _entire_ night. And I thought homework at Hogwarts was bad.

The only flare to seemingly uninteresting life was planning James's and Lily's wedding. I was there for most of it, from picking her dress, to picking flowers, to booking the venue, I was Lily's right-hand man. I actually loved helping them, for in a way, I was compensating for the wedding that I was never going to have. I knew already that it was going to be a beautiful wedding.

All the while, the mysterious topic of Remus loomed in the background. Whenever someone had to mention him, they usually tried not to direct it to me, but away from me. I wasn't stupid. I knew what they were doing. I just didn't have the heart to say anything about it. The pain never went away, but was only masked by the stress of life. At night, when I was alone with my thoughts, the tears would come and the nasty hole in my chest would reform, causing emotional pain so deep it was physical. My pillow was soaked with tears within mere hours.

As if I needed something else going on in my life, the others continued to be invested in their "other endeavors," which they would still tell me nothing about. It took up most of their time, and because James and Lily had a huge fortune to live off of, they didn't get jobs, and neither did Sirius. They all completely devoted themselves to these "other endeavors," and I was the only one left out.

"I just wish you would fucking tell me," I finally let out one evening. We had gotten the gang together for a night while James's parents were out of town. James, Lily, Sirius, Marlene, Peter, and I were all sitting around the dining room table, drinking Firewhiskey and avoiding the topic of Remus.

"How many times have I told you, Chickadee?" Sirius complains loudly. "We would tell you if we could."

"This eerily reminds me of the time when you all became animagi, _and left me out_," I bring up sourly, downing another glass of Firewhiskey, for it had been a rough week.

"You want to bring that up?" James jokes, chuckling with Lily on his lap. Their wedding was a week from today, and they both were getting jitters. This was a nice way for them both to just relax.

"I'm just saying," I giggle, the alcohol getting to me. "I only want to know what it is that's _so_ secret."

"I say we talk more about your love life, Tonks," Sirius butts in. "A little birdie told me that you've been chatting up Andrew Clarke."

"Marlene," I mutter, glaring at her as she turns a bright red.

"Sorry!" she says, looking very uncomfortable. "It just came up-"

"I don't care," I sigh, waving her off. "They were going to find out eventually."

"Well then," James pushes. "What's going on?"

"I just saw him again on my first day," I explain, chuckling at their faces as they realize how anti-climatic my story was. "He gave me his number… and told me to call him."

"That's great, Tonks!" Lily exclaims, beaming from ear to ear. "Are you going to?"

"I dunno," I shrug, twisting my glass between my fingers. "I've been thinking about it. It might still be too early…"

"It's never too early," Sirius urges. "When life hands you an opportunity like this to move on, take it. That's what I did."

He glances over at Marlene and kisses her on the cheek. I sigh, reaching into my pocket and producing the very rumpled piece of paper Andrew had given me. Decisions, decisions…

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hello all! Hey, I'm getting better at updating! :D

Just a quick thing. You all remember I talked about shooting a movie last October called 13 Score? Well, the trailer is finally up! If you google "13 score movie" click on the first thing that pops up, then click on the tab that says trailer, and you'll see me! I'm the blonde girl at about 45 seconds in getting clotheslined, and again at about 55 seconds falling on a fence! If you're interested, I think it's pretty cool! :D

Well, that's all for now! PLEASEEEE REVIEW!

~AnM XD


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